One thing I’ve noticed is how depression can make you quite numb and apathetic towards virtually everything. That’s not to say that I don’t sometimes laugh, smile or enjoy myself no no; it’s almost like I’m encased in a large block of ice and very little warmth or sunshine gets through. Even big news events or reasons to be happy struggle to crack the surface.
Recent big news in my life was my sister had an operation to remove her breast cancer, she had her first set of results through indicating she was cancer free and my 2nd cousin got engaged. These were all big news and reasons to be overjoyed yet I find myself struggling to break out a big smile let alone do cartwheels. That isn’t to say I’m not happy to have received this news and I am of course happy for people but I feel like it should have provoked a stronger reaction in me.
There are occasions where I can’t help but laugh and smile and these tend to be in times where I’m in a prolonged situation of enjoyment. So where I’m doing something that is a lot of fun like my board game group, playing D&D or archery then I do find myself smiling more and feeling happier. These are situations where I’m around people for at least an hour doing something I enjoy. In these situations it feels like rather than one big impact trying to get through the ice, it’s more a prolonged mining operation and eventually the sunshine and warmth gets through.
When I think about the pieces of bigger news that I feel should trigger a stronger reaction rather than ‘huh, well that’s good news’, I do feel a little guilty. I’m trying to curb this because it doesn’t help the situation and it isn’t something I can necessarily control.
As I say, something I’ve just generally noticed is that I feel a bit numb to everything and it’s a bit scary because I can’t see a time yet where I won’t feel this way anymore. I have to believe that that time will come and I will ‘feel’ more because to not think that would be to lose hope entirely and it would become something of a self fulfilling prophecy.
In my last over the phone counselling session, we talked about the dangers of thoughts and how powerful they can be but that’s probably for another entry. The point of this post I suppose is to highlight this feeling of numbness and apathy, and to plant a flag firmly in the belief that someday that ice will crack on a more permanent basis and we can all feel the sunshine.